What's green and Orcy?

Finally a place where I can kill people without consequence! Sure Dark Elves admire the murderous streak, but they get awfully particular about the whos and the whens. Orcs are about as much fun as you can have with your panties on. I'll drink to that!

The first thing there is to know is that they flat out HATE dwarves. And who doesn't really? They are short, fat, obnoxious, rude, petty, irascible* and have huge amounts of excess hair. Basically the only people who like dwarves are those that share these traits and choose validation over self improvement.

All I really know is that they can cave your head in with rocks (in the middle of a grassy field with no rocks let alone caves) and then dance around your prone body until you die of disgust. Also Gromril Plating might need a nerf... Orc tend to attract Goblins which come in one of two flavours; those who love squigs and those who love men.

I like the queer ones, their healing rainbows go perfectly with my tanky skills.

The other ones are not so great, smelling of rotting mushroom turds and sticking their bits inside squigs. Pass.

Turns out there's giants around these parts too. I don't know if they are attracted by the Dwarves or they attract Orcs but either way it is not wise to provoke them...

Oh, I managed to make enough money for a drake-flight to t2. How you ask?

Centerfold bitches!

But this vacation has left me broke and those guild mounts are NOT cheap, so it looks like I'll be back in the ranks of the Black Guard. Perhaps this time I'll actually learn something useful? Like what exactly are we guarding and why are we all so down about it?

*look it up n00b

Mandred '09

Yo! A friend of mine hooked me up with this guy who works at Mandred's Hold. He's like the Lord of General Sales and Enquiries I think. Name's Jeff. Anyway he said he could swipe me some new armor if I promised to play at his after-hours staff party. 
Oh yeah I pay metal guitar. Surprised? I didn't think so. What self-respecting Black Guard doesn't?

It was an awesome night and Lord Jeff was a kick ass tank. He will be missed...

Enough blabber, POWER UP! Rwoaaaaaaaaar! (Altered Beast? Anyone?)

While waiting for SC's to pop...

Hey again! How's things? Me, I'm swell. Well, sort of...
Life without a job has it's pros and cons. 
Sure I get to sleep outdoors and do whatever I want whenever I want whoever I want, but a girl has needs! New shoes, new jewels, talismans, career training. I'd even like to travel! I hear in some countries it's a compliment to belch after eating and a punch to the face is an acceptable greeting. That sort of thing has big appeal to a tank. 
Anyway I tried a little temp work teaching Witch Hunters etiquette, they really are hopeless! Instead of introducing themselves with a cordial greeting  they just unstealth behind people. Then, rather than a firm handshake, they are more inclined to murder you. Naturally, my class will be down to one twinked out student before the week is out...
One of the other teachers asked me out. He's like the dark arts professor or something. But all I heard was arts professor and thought 'this guy probably has a stash'. Well I was wrong about the stash, but right about the combination of pretentious wanker and pathetic low-income lives-with-his-mother loser. Anyway he's gone now, apparently he attacked some wizard kid so yeah.

Before moving on I took a walk through Salzenmund. I don't see what all the fuss is about, human architecture is so crude and not nearly pointy enough.
Some fish-woman picked a fight with me Innsmouth style. Well I'm sorry but I can't tolerate ugmo bitches
Or their wimpy men!
Inspiration struck and I busted this out. The guards just walked right by! Bunch of wusses.
Ugh, it seems like you just can't escape this shit lately. But good luck marketing abstinence to Dark Elves! If they had films well, they would be a combination of Ichi The Killer and Antichrist.

Go ahead and watch them, I'll wait >:D

2 Years ago, Anlec...

Hi! My name is Valeigra and today I begin my new life as a Black Guard. What does this mean you may ask? Well I'm not too sure myself. Wearing black and guarding things I guess. More importantly, why would anyone want to take part in a crapola war stunk up with prissy elves and dwarves?
I've always looked up to my older brother Lysanthrisia, because he lives right at the top of a Black Ark. And, being bored out of my skull by the drudgeries of your average dark elf's life, decided to pay him a visit. Plus I thought it'd be sweet to brag about around the blood cauldron.
So the boat ride over was rough! Yeah, that's the way it's gonna be. I wish I could say that was me in the armor.  One day I will get revengence! When I'm rank 40 and pimped out. In the meantime pay in advance, lesson learned.
Then came the great bit of the day where it turns out my brother is an asshole and  I can't stay with him because he has some important hoe or something he's trying to get fresh with. I don't believe that crap for a second. He's just so socially retarded he thinks that 'friends' are a tv show. I came all this way to visit him and he won't even put me up because he can't beat off with his door closed like a normal person.
So with no money to get a ship home, and no desire to board one without the fare, I shrugged massive and joined the war. Better than being bored out of your mind with nothing to do and nowhere to go right? Wrong. Turns out being a rank 1 Blackguard is a lot like being asleep, but without the funky dreams or lack of consciousness. You just run around spamming your one attack over and over and over. A lot like being a rr80 Chosen. But then I felt something building inside me... something awesome and terrible and it wasn't gas or love. It was, according to the five minutes of Donnie Darko I saw on the boat, the exact opposite of love.
IT WAS HATE! And I loved it. I hated stuff sooo much I accidentally stabbed the captain right through the chest. Oops! In all fairness though anyone who combines long hair with a high ponytail probably had it coming. Whatever. Crank up the Pantera and let the good times roll!
If you're wondering when Blackguard stop sucking, it is right on this bridge. I now have a two handed Glaive and I have the power to cut pretty much anything into two smaller, bloodier things.
 I started to really have a lot of fun. War is hilarious!
It turns out that Blackguard training had only just begun, and there were plenty of eager recruits. But without their glaives all this Dragon got was a pedicure.
 They even gave us full scenarios of KotBS (I'm already sick of typing that) to practice hating, stabbing and, to a much lesser extent, killing.
 I quickly established myself as unhelpful in class. And despite my efforts as an infantry musician I was swiftly discharged like a boil on a bilelord. But screw them! I'm rank 10 already and I can solo PQs. I don't need anybody! I've got a glaive and 100% hate. I'm gonna make tier 1 my bitch!


It's been two long years since I first set foot in Ulthuan and joined the war against the High Elves and the order alliance. In that time I have survived through the horrors of WAR*, and it has made me bitter and contemptuous. I have focused down kings and lowbies alike and found no joy in the wholesale slaughter, only an endless lust for more. I have stood by the banner of the guild Scion and broken warbands before us. But here in Volkmar that name is just a whisper on the wind. The world around me has become grey; the valleys of Dragonwake and Thunder Mountain once majestic and breathtaking are now commonplace. Little more than a pathing hindrance. Long gone are quests for glory, the learning of new skills or the acquisition of great treasures. I sit atop a dragon's horde of gold and talismans and think nothing of it. My vault contains enough full sets of the finest armor to adorn me twelve times over and countless weapons of otherworldly craftsmanship. Yet all I can see is the next purple tick. I constantly scroll my combat log looking not for KBs, but to see if opponents are even worth killing. And when my bloodlust fades, as my belief in this war dissolves, what have I left to keep me here? Perhaps it is time for peace, or at least an end to this tragedy? I could turn around and sail home tomorrow.

Instead I returned to the Blighted Isle. To Black Ark Landing and Narthain Beach to remember how it all used to be. To feel young and innocent once more. Two long years ago, it seems completely different to the vague recollection in my head. I should come here more often, but sadly there is no reason. It is deserted. I take off my armor and my greaves and stand once more upon the boat that brought me here. To my delight the memories flood back. I was so naive, untrained... a total n00b in a new world. But I was happy.
I kept a private journal in the Guild Library and now, in the hope of helping you all remember why you're here, I'd like to share it with you.

Oh and one more thing while I'm here...

*Anyone who has played WAR know exactly what I mean by this.